The first year of marriage

Part 1

Marriage is different for everyone, we don’t have the same experience so this post is to share some of my experiences and hopefully you learn something from it. These are things that I’ve learned in my first year of marriage.

Communication

Now ladies, I know how we can run our mouths without thinking sometimes. You’ll say something out of frustration or be quick to respond with a sharp tongue. If there’s anything I learned in my marriage, is to think before I respond. Men aren’t the best at communicating their feelings because the world expects them to be put together, so when they trust you enough to share parts of themselves with you and you’re quick to judge, guess what? He won’t come to you anymore. You want to create a safe space for your husband, where he trusts you enough to share. What you do with that information is just as important, if he trusts you to keep things between the two of you then you do that.

You’re a wife, not superwoman.

Montel and I discussed what our responsibilities would be before we got married so there would be no confusion. Now I’m South African and I consider myself quite traditional. I pride myself in taking care of my husband. I love that he comes home to a cooked meal, I love that he has clean clothes to wear everyday, I love ensuring that our home is clean so we both feel at home after a long day at work. In America things work different, I guess you could say marriage is a 50/50 partnership. If one person cooks, the other does the dishes. If one person cleans the living room, the other cleans the bedroom. Team work. Which in the beginning I found really odd…

3 months in I found myself getting frustrated, why am I doing so much? Montel would offer to help because he saw how tired I was. I would decline because where I’m from men don’t do house chores, men don’t cook, so it felt wrong to ask for help.

My love language is acts of service, so I enjoy taking care of my husband but I’ve also learned to ask for help when I need it. I take days off from doing house chores and cooking and he takes over, it feels incredible.

Remember that you’re a wife, not superwoman.

Finances

Finances could easily make or break marriage. I wasn’t taught how to be responsible with money, I had to figure it out on my own once I got older. My mom taught me how to be independent, asking for help was never part of the conversation. When I got married it took my husband and I almost a year to comfortably have conversations regarding money. It was a very touchy subject for me.

We had a lot of questions about what we should and shouldn’t do as a married couple. Is it our money or is it divided? Do we open joint accounts, and just put everything in there or do we keep our personal accounts? What about credit cards? Debt? Are we going to budget together? Are we saving money together? What are our goals?

We talked about everything involving finances when we were ready and I’m so glad that it worked out the way we both envisioned it. Don’t be scared to share your thoughts, concerns and ideas regarding finances, this is your lifelong partner and you want to confidently communicate with them when it comes to finances.

We come first

Once you get married everything changes, you and your spouse are now a family which means your immediate family are technically now your extended family. This may be very uncomfortable for some people to read but this means that your spouse comes first with EVERYTHING, no excuses. You make decisions together, you defend one another in each other’s presence or absence especially when it comes to in laws. Lay a foundation where there are boundaries, no one should get too comfortable telling you what you should or shouldn’t do unless you ask for opinions. You both said till death do you part, so grab your partner’s hand and walk through life with them by your side. Love and protect them, always.

Don’t stop dating

You never want to get too comfortable in your marriage. Don’t stop dating your husband, same goes for him. I love dressing up for my husband, I love spoiling him and getting him gifts. I take him on dates too, men love when we initiate dates as well. Buy sexy lingerie. Travel together, start new hobbies together. Make tons of memories!

My friends are not his friends

Clear boundaries here, your friends should never get too comfortable with your husband, same goes for him. Set these from the very beginning so there’s no confusion.

You are going to disappoint/ hurt one another

You will disappoint / hurt one another. How you choose to handle it and move forward is important, if you hurt your partner take accountability without making excuses. Own up to it. Talk about it if you need to. Try not to go to bed angry at each other. When my husband and I are upset with one another, we hug before bed and say goodnight, we definitely don’t cuddle like we normally would lol but hugging is still some type of physical contact to show that we still care.

This is your first year of marriage, give yourself grace. You won’t get everything right the first year. But that’s the beauty of it, you and your husband get to know each other more as you grow. You get better at working as a team. I truly enjoyed my first year of marriage, it was quite eye opening.

Remember to communicate, always communicate.

Click here to read “from Miss to Mrs post”

xoxo Mrs Lyles