For some of us, moving overseas is a once in a lifetime opportunity, and if you miss that bus, it’s gone, you don’t get it back. So when the opportunities arise, you grab them with both hands. Unfortunately there will be sacrifices that will need to be made, tough decisions that only you can make. One of them, no matter how well you prepare for, will always be one of the most painful things you will experience as an expat, is a family member’s death. Dealing with grief as an expat is tough..
We have no control over what happens happens to our loved ones while we’re overseas. If you’re lucky, truly I consider these people God’s favorite, if you’re lucky, you get to travel in and out of the country whenever you want with no issues. There are people who go 5, 10, 15 years without leaving the country because they simply can’t afford to. They may have their status revoked, they may not be able to re-enter the country, there’s just so much at stake, they’re not willing to risk it.
Processing loss
The month of January marked 4 years that I hadn’t seen my family. I last saw them in 2019 for a brief moment, I stayed for 4 days I believe, not nearly enough time to spend with them. I had to rush back to work. Had I known that I wouldn’t see my family for so long after that, I probably would have made arrangements to stay longer.
I didn’t know.
My grandmother passed on the 7th of February of this year. I couldn’t say goodbye and I couldn’t attend her funeral either. It’s been an incredibly hard pill to swallow. I’m in denial, a part of me believes that she’s home, waiting on my return. Grieving is a very sensitive and delicate process, it’s different for everyone. I let my tears wash over me when I get too overwhelmed. Unforgettable memories make me laugh out loud, or cry to the highest heavens, there’s no in-between. So grieve, however you choose to.
From me to you, here are some tips that are helping me with my grieving journey, I hope it helps you too.
Reading your Bible daily
God speaks to us through scriptures, when you know your Bible and you pray to Jesus, He speaks to you through them. After prayer your mind might be stuck on one particular verse, that’s Jesus talking to you. He can’t share what you don’t know. So, recently I’ve taken the time to read my bible as much as I can. I’m mourning right now so I’m trying to focus on finding scriptures that resonate with this particular journey I’m on. There’s a sense of peace that comes with reading my bible, I tend to forget that sometimes.
This verse has been on my heart since my grandmother passed, when I miss her or want to question why she left so soon, this verse is a reminder that she’s so much happier where she is than when she was on earth.
Ecclesiastes 4:2 "And I declared that the dead, who had already died, are happier than the living, who are still alive."
Allow your friends and family to be there for you
It’s so important to have family and friends that you can rely on. My family are all in South Africa. Here in America, I have my husband, his family and my friends, people who treat me like my own family would. When my grandmother passed they made me feel like I could share my deepest sorrows with them, they comforted me with their words, with bouquets of flowers and the warmest hugs. You need people like that in your life, who make it known that they stand with you, no matter what.
I always tell my husband that I don’t think I can love him anymore than I do now, and then he shows me how much space my heart really holds for him. He’s shown me over and over again that there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for me. His support since the passing of my grandmother makes me emotional just thinking about. It’s so nice to know that I can rely on him during this time.
My family back home are all grieving, just like me. I try to give them the space to deal with their loss as well but I also try to check in with them as often as I can. As an expat, this gets tough because we can’t physically be there for one another but we try the best we can.
Allow the people you love to be there for you the best way they know how, you don’t have to go through loss by yourself. There are people who love you.
Don’t bottle up your emotions
When I feel the pain of my grandmother’s loss, I invite it in. Whatever emotions or feelings I get, I accept and just sit with it. I understand that grieving comes in waves and sometimes, in order to feel better you need to let it out, cry out all the pain that you’re feeling. Don’t hide behind your happy moments either, your loved one would want to see you happy, laughing and smiling again. Don’t feel guilty for experiencing moments of joy.
Make time for your hobbies
My hobbies have recently been a good distraction for me. Two of my favorite things to do in the world is reading and writing, both allow me to think and focus. So when my mind starts to wonder on what ifs, I grab my book or my laptop and my mind quickly shifts on what’s in front of me. I also enjoy cooking, I’ve noticed when I’m under a lot of stress I head to the kitchen and my mind gets occupied with what I’m preparing in front of me. Don’t let grieve take away things you love to do.
Keep your loved one’s memories alive
Try to focus on the good moments you had with your loved one. Some moments will have you smiling by yourself and some moments may get you emotional and have you in tears. It’s okay. They would want for you to celebrate them in that way, remembering the good times that you had with them. Talk to anyone who’s willing to listen. I share a lot of moments I had with my grandmother, with my husband, my friends and my family. They would want for you to remember them in a good light.
From my heart to yours, I hope you find yourself again in this healing journey.
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