Find your voice (for the sensitive)h

I hope this post touches you like it did my inner child. Find your voice (for the sensitive)

I’ve always considered myself an introvert, I shied away from people and conversations from a very young age. I barely if ever put my hand up in class, I’d much rather walk up to my teacher and talk to them. Wouldn’t ask for help at the grocery store, if I could not find what I was looking for I would walk right out. My feelings got hurt pretty easily, I would either laugh it off or just take the punch. I felt like my opinions didn’t matter, like my voice didn’t matter. You could literally hear my voice trembling when I tried setting boundaries, who would take that seriously?  

I’m (not) enough

Living in a world that feels like you’re beneath everyone else is the worst, it feels overwhelmingly lonely. You feel disrespected, disregarded and isolated. This type of treatment feels familiar so you welcome it every time it makes an appearance. It starts with “friends” from middle school and before you know it, you get the same treatment from your colleagues at work.

When you have an idea or a suggestion you worry that it’s not good enough so you make frequent changes…that’s how you become indecisive. You search for the person’s approval in their eyes as you share your ideas or opinions. It shouldn’t be like that, but you don’t know that. As long as the other person is pleased.

In friendships or relationships you become aware that you’re not prioritized but you accept it anyway because it could be worse. They’re not calling or texting but it’s okay because you allow yourself to think that they’re probably busy (for you). Again, this is something you are obligated to address. Friendships or relationships that give you the bare minimum are not worth keeping.

When you have people pleasing tendencies, ‘no’ does not exist in your vocabulary because setting boundaries can feel like you’re a bad person. But I’m here to tell you that you’re not. The weight that drops from your shoulders once you become comfortable setting boundaries is liberating. There’s a sort of power that comes with it. It’s important to understand that you can’t always live up to people’s expectations.

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When you have people pleasing tendencies, ‘no’ does not exist in your vocabulary because setting boundaries can feel like you’re a bad person.

Where do you cross the line?

I hate to say it but it took someone else to tell me that I deserved so much more than what I was accepting. The reason I say this is because it should have been me, I should have known what I deserved. How does it take someone else to see what I think seems to be okay actually isn’t? If they hadn’t called it out would I ever have done something about it?

How it starts is that you become comfortable with making people uncomfortable and I know that sounds strange but it’s the truth. Call something out for what it is, call people out when they treat you bad, say no just because you feel like it, call your boyfriend out for neglecting you. Come up with an idea and stick with it, pick your favorite pizza this time, not your friend’s. When you don’t pick up a call, truthfully tell them you were not in the mood to speak. You have to understand that your voice, your opinions, your priorities matter regardless of what it looks like to the other person.

 

Find your voice

Once that happens you’ll start setting boundaries, but guess what? You’re going to be the villain now. Not a lot of people are going to be happy with this change. What you need to do is stay strong, remain confident in the person you’re becoming. They’ll come around and if they don’t then you’ve dodged a bullet. Have you ever wondered how people are okay setting boundaries with you, tell you no or call you out and you’re okay with it? Why is it any different when you do it?

The key here is self love and self confidence.

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Practice

You don’t just wake up one day and become an entirely different person right? Change takes time. What helped me was looking into where it all started, why I had people pleasing tendencies and finding a way to break that cycle. The first thing I did was practice, in front of the mirror and with my husband. What also helped me was being in uncomfortable situations where I was forced to speak and those times I did it scared, eventually is becomes less scary. I’ve had conversations with people where I felt like was the only chance to show them that I am not to be disrespected, I only had that one chance. There were times that I just didn’t have the courage to speak up and other times I did.

Believe in yourself, make eye contact when you talk, be stern when necessary, raise your voice if you need to. People only respect you so much for being a sweet people’s pleaser, remember to be the villain from time to time. Seriously.

I say all this to say, listen to that little voice inside your head. The one that tells you exactly how you feel. You can’t live your whole life pleasing other people. In order to be respected you’re going to have to put yourself first for the most part. Don’t feel bad.

I truly hope that you find your voice..

Like I did..

xoxo Mrs Lyles